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Calm down, it's G-rated, kidz.

This short story was actually a series of text messages between almostlegalluke and myself during a period of extreme boredom. It is my esteemed opinion that they were so ridonkulous they deserved to be posted. Enjoy, old chaps!


One day there was a little lamb eating grass. It's name was Luke and it had taken to wearing a blue cap. His shepherd was named Layton and he had a mentally retarded sheep dog named Flora. Then Flora fell into the lake, thinking her reflection was another dog; the bitch drowned.

The body eventually washed up on the shore and the seagulls ate it. Layton hadn't even noticed she was gone. Whilst frolicking around the lake, little Luke found the bones after they had been dried out and picked clean. He used them for chew toys.

Luke brought his new toys back to the pasture. Layton, being an archaeologist shepherd, recognised them to be the bones of a dog and immediately realised what had happened. Of course, Layton laughed warmly about the situation and asked Luke if he'd like a spot of tea. Luke shrugged his fluffy shoulders and they went inside the house to put the kettle on.

After tea and crumpets, Luke went straight to bed. He awoke in the middle of the night by the eerie sound of a bitch barking. All afright he leapt out of his bed and tore down the hall bleating for Layton.

"She's back!" he cried. A small tear escaped one eye and rolled down his fleecy cheek.

Layton sat up with a start, his nightcap falling off his head to the pillow. He rushed to the door and flung it wide open

"Luke, my lamb! Whatever is the matter?" he cried with obvious concern for his woolly charge.

Luke opened his mouth to speak but at that precise moment a ghostly apparition floated into the room. It was the translucent shape of the sheep dog, Flora. The eyes of the beast glowed with hell flame.

"My word!" exclaimed the scholarly shepherd. "It's Flora, come back from death itself!" Even as the words left his lips, the she-spectre menacingly floated ever closer.

"You left me to die!" accused Flora, baring her teeth to reveal a mouth alit with more devil's fire. Even in death, her bark still bore the oddly affected speech of a retard.

Layton was mesmerised by the flames and suddenly recalled a riddle he had once heard at the market. It was then that he realised Flora's fatal weakness: her ineptitude at solving puzzles!

"If a chicken can lay two eggs a day and a farmer buys three roosters, how many eggs will he have in a week?" Layton questioned fiercely. Flora blinked in surprise.

"I... I dunno!" The ghost began to quickly blur and vanished in a whirling wisp of silver smoke.

"Good thinking, mistah Layton!" Luke pranced back and forth merrily on his little hooves.

Layton reached up to tip his hat before remembering he had dropped it in his earlier haste. "Critical thinking," he informed Luke with a confident smile, "is the key to survival."


Fanarts to come.

X-posted to Urmama.

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
noveltynovelist
Feb. 9th, 2009 08:43 pm (UTC)
LIES. How does she know how to solve puzzles if she doesn't even know how to read? Her father built her an amusement park but not a bloody school.
(Deleted comment)
almostlegalluke
Feb. 9th, 2009 08:47 pm (UTC)
NO WONDER SHE HAS SUCH BAD PLANS AND DISGUISES

SHE LEARNED FROM ALL HIS GODDAMN PURPLE PROSE
(Deleted comment)
almostlegalluke
Feb. 9th, 2009 09:03 pm (UTC)
SIR, ARE YOU SPOILING GAME TWO AND/OR THREE FOR ME

BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, I MIGHT HAVE TO DARWIN PUNCH YOU INTO EXTINCTION
(Deleted comment)
dia_aren_marie
Feb. 10th, 2009 04:02 am (UTC)
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
noveltynovelist
Feb. 10th, 2009 11:01 pm (UTC)
WHAT A HOT BITCH.
almostlegalluke
Feb. 11th, 2009 01:59 am (UTC)
FFFF

THAT'S A CUTE SHEEP LUKE U HAVE THAR :>
noveltynovelist
Feb. 10th, 2009 11:02 pm (UTC)
THAT IS BECAUSE LAYTON IS A RESPONSIBLE SURROGATE FATHER AND DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ENDANGERING MENTALLY CHALLENGED CHILDREN.
emilyenigmax2
Feb. 9th, 2009 11:38 pm (UTC)
really and truly?
wekhter
Feb. 11th, 2009 05:25 am (UTC)
the posts on this entry are going in this really distracting but kinda pretty arc

with a lamb in the middle
noveltynovelist
Feb. 11th, 2009 06:00 am (UTC)
O LULZ. NEED TO SCREENCAP THAT LATER.
almostlegalluke
Feb. 12th, 2009 05:47 am (UTC)
I WONDER WHAT'S AT THE END OF THE PUZBOW?
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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